unearthed.

posted : Wednesday, October 8, 2008

title : argh

Let me tell you this.

Shock is too exiguous a word to even express how I'm feeling right now.

When you told me about it yesterday, I was rendered speechless. I really didn't know how to react. I tried acting normal, I thought I wouldn't be affected to this extent, but after I couldn't stop pondering over the matter, after I couldn't sleep for practically the whole of last night, I couldn't help but reflect and review our friendship. Where have I gone wrong? Was I not trustworthy enough for you to even tell me a simple thing like that?! You had two months to tell me. Two whole months. Considering the extent of our friendship, I would've expected you to tell me about it. Like what the heck? Did you think I would not be able to feel happy for you? Did you think I was so selfish, I wanted you all to myself???

You said it was because you didn't want to hurt me. Gosh. How would you telling me that you had a girlfriend hurt me, I ask you? I was damn hurt that you chose to keep mum about it instead, acted like nothing major ever happened in your life, kept it from me despite the fact that you knew how I feel towards trust, despite the quarrel we had the other time. Please lah, are you trying to give me excuses to save yourself? And I thought we were super good close friends.

You know what's the worse thing? I feel as though I've been used by you all this while. With you not telling me about it, now I feel like I'm just a mere substitute. When you're bored, you find me, then when you don't feel like it anymore, you distance yourself away again. Now, that explains why we've been having those 'close-then-drift-away' periods. Power arh fathin. Substitute kape?

And that analogy I gave you when you asked me if I was okay, well, I truly mean it. That's how I look at it. I don't care if you understand or not. You probably still think I'm over-reacting. I don't know, am I being too emotional now? Am I being too caught up with this HUGE disappointment I'm feeling, that I can't stop and try to make things go back to normal? I don't know. I guess I just need time right now. Because I know myself. I'll forgive and forget about this in a matter of days. But for now, I don't know. You've showed me that I don't matter that much to you. Even just as a friend. You could've put your words in a different way anyways. Told me in a way where I wouldn't think or feel that you forgot to tell me. You could've explained to me all your reasonings the moment you told me, but nopes you didn't. Which led me to the conclusion that you deliberately kept it from me.

I know I'm probably being too presumptuous right now, I know I'm writing all this in a fit of anger, I know you might be hurt from reading all this, no, I know you would be hurt from reading all this. But hey, you don't even read my blog anyways, you don't even know the existence of it, so who cares?

You know what? Have you ever heard of the saying,
"Hell hath no scorn for a woman's fury?"

Sounds cliche and cynical doesn't it?
But yet so true...

Thanks arh M. Thanks for hurting me this way. Thanks for proving to me all the more why I should NEVER trust guys. Thaaaaaannks.

7:37 PM