unearthed.

posted : Thursday, June 20, 2019

title :

Today has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Started the day off feeling so lousy because you decided not to meet and I felt myself slipping into that emotional, agonising abyss again. I was dreading another longgg, difficult day ahead I even thought of skipping pilates but that quickly took a turn when you suggested coffee in the afternoon. Oh how I hate how my mood changes in the blink of an eye because of you. I hate how it feels like I no longer have control of my emotions when it's anything related to you.

And then we had that talk. About you, me, us, the future us. How do I tell you that I'm scared every time I think about the future? Every time I think about the possibility of my heart not being able to handle the pain and the possibility of me pushing you away in a bid to forget the pain. Of the possibility of us no longer being close, or no longer on talking terms with each other.

Because frankly, I can't see myself being close to the you who's married. I can't see myself being able to forget like a piece of my heart is still with you while you're happy living each day of your life with someone else. I can't see myself not having my heart ripped every time I look at you. I'm so scared I won't get stronger and get over you. I'm so scared that I'll still only see pain when I look at you, I'm so scared I'll still only feel hurt when I'm with you. I hate that I still don't know what my heart needs. I hate that I'd miss you so much I'll still want to talk to you even when I'm bleeding inside, even when my best solution is really to just run away from you.

I hate that I hate hearing about your wedding, about your plans after you're married but still find it difficult to not know what's going on in your life, to not know anything about you. I hate that I love you so much. I hate that I love you more than you would ever like me.

10:15 PM