And so...I succumbed and replied to you again. When I was resolved a few days ago to stop talking to you.
Do I blame my heart, for not bearing to ignore you and let your texts go unanswered?
Do I blame my heart, for not listening to me, for softening when you told me you missed me too?

I don't know if I should thank you for letting me know that you missed me too.
But it definitely made me miss you all the more, and missed talking to you all the more.
And I kept worrying if you'd be upset that I was ignoring you again.
So in the end I chose you. Again.

Am I eating and sleeping well?
Frankly, I don't know.
I go to the gym almost everyday, just to tire myself out enough that I'll feel hungry to eat.
I go out till late, fill my days with things to do, just to tire myself out enough to sleep when I get home.
I still can't sleep at night, I still wake up in the middle of the night, but at least I know what I'm eating now; at least food's no longer tasteless all the time now.
I'm doing enough, to get by every day, hoping one day I'll wake up not needing to tire myself out anymore. Hoping one day I'm living fully again.
I'm helping myself in ways I can, to make up for the ways I can't.
So yeah, how am I?
I've been better.
But I'm coping.

Do I resent you for putting me through this?
Maybe some days.
When it gets exceptionally painful and hard, when all I do is think of you no matter how hard I try not to, when all I see is you no matter where I look.
But more than resenting you, I end up blaming and hating myself more.
That I can't make my heart and mind stop from missing you; from feeling pain.
I tried hating you.
I tried being angry with you.
I thought if it will make the pain stop, why not?
But I always end up thinking about how you always did your best for me then, how you gave me all that you could because I wanted it, how you showed you cared in your own ways;
And then I just end up hurting more, from missing you more.
So yeah maybe some days I resent you, but they never last longer than a few minutes.
Instead I just end up wanting to talk to you so badly.
And so I end up writing to you here; talking to you the best way I know how.
So I hope you know that when I suddenly stop texting you, I just really need the break for myself.
I'm still figuring out how to help myself.
And us.
I'm hoping the next time we see each other I can genuinely smile and laugh again in your company.
That we can have our long walks and coffee dates, without them hurting.