unearthed.

posted : Sunday, July 7, 2019

title : Irony.

Oh, the irony.
I knew I had to fill up my days completely to distract myself from thinking about you all the time. So I went out for a while after I couldn't get my mum to go out with me. And I planned to do "work" which really only consisted of reading the ATSM and AIP but really only ended up planning my days for the whole of this month. I planned to busy myself ridiculously to the point that I'll be so exhausted and packed every day, my mind wouldn't have to wander to you. But really, what are the odds of that when you always somehow slip into my mind even when I'm just walking around the house, as I'm about to leave the house, as I walk to the MRT station (and think about all those times I used to walk to the MRT station to meet you) and the torturous, long commutes which I actually used to enjoy because of the luxury of thinking and reflection time they used to provide, but which I absolutely abhor now because all I do is just think of you. And the conversations we had. And the times we had. I cannot fathom how you said thinking of those good times would help get through the darkest times because all they do is intensify the feelings I have for you and make me wonder how beautiful it would have been to continue having you in my life like that.

And the whole day since I woke up I had to fight the urge to reply you because I knew it wasn't going to help me. I wanted to tell you so much how angry I was that I put myself through so much pain and agony yesterday night just to make you "immensely happy", that I really regretted coming so much the moment I saw you outside the hall. It took all of me to not just turn back and head home, every single second of it all. I wanted to tell you that I was tearing halfway through the first course and I had to swallow back my tears every now and then because I didn't want to break down in front of everyone else, at your wedding no less. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't even survive a few bites of dinner, everyone at the table was wondering why I wasn't eating and that I had to walk out after just the second course because it was getting so hard to breathe inside. I wanted to tell you that I had to find somewhere to sit by myself and how I broke down in the middle of town and all I wanted to do was to just walk away and go home. You, were immensely happy I came but I was immensely miserable during that few hours, I almost hated myself for being so foolish. You'll never know much it took for me to be there for you because I'll never tell you all these. Why would I, when we're supposed to distance ourselves from each other now. Why would I, when you should no longer be concerned with how I'm doing now. Why would I, when you're living a new life normally and I don't want to disrupt that in any way. Why would I, when in all honesty you've long let go?

I still had so much anger and anguish towards you I was sure I shouldn't text you at all or I might have ended up saying mean things I didn't mean. But still I missed you so much, I wanted to hear from you so much, and it suddenly struck me to read your opendiary again. Even if it meant re-reading the same entries again, even if it was only reading about your adolescent years again. But I was in for a treat (or so I thought) because your whole opendiary got re-uploaded and I now got to meet the you during your uni days, and when you first started out working life. And as I read entry after entry, hearing you reading the entries aloud in my head, I realised how much I've not known about you. Reading your entries about your family, your life then, your thoughts, it started to hit me that I've never deserved a place next to you. I wasn't there for the most parts of your life, the monumental moments of your life like she has. She has already done half of your life with you and she was there through it all. And there's still the many years after you stopped writing, that I don't get to read, that I never get to know of, that she does. She's obviously the best person for you, right? You obviously made the right choice. Would it be easier for me to let go and heal if I just keep thinking this way? That because she knows you best, she'll definitely make you happier in ways that I never would have been able to; you ended up with who you're supposed to. We were never meant to be.

Oh God, how do I get over you soon?
When my heart still misses you like crazy.
The 22-year old you,
The 23-year old you,
The 24-year old you
And the 25-year old you
That I read about
I want to meet all of them
Get to know them in person
Oh the irony.
Reading about the past you made me see that that place beside you was never meant for me; but it also made me fall in love with you all over again.
H, what are you doing seriously?!

And how many times am I going to spill my heart on this blog in a day? Urgh.

9:16 PM