unearthed.

posted : Thursday, July 11, 2019

title :

"It’s risky, falling in love."

"i know that," I answered. "I’ve been in love before. It’s like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love."

x.by the river piedra i sat down and wept. paulo coelho.x

Read this on your opendiary and it struck a chord so strongly.
I really do think I've been too dependent on you; emotionally and physically, that I'm stuck here now. Probably the reason why I couldn't help but to text you yesterday night. I kept rationalising to myself that it was okay to do so throughout the whole night. But on hindsight I'm probably just deluding myself and feeding this "addiction" now. While ultimately only making this worse for myself. And now I'm undecided if I should continue replying you.

Do I reply you that the reason I "had energy after night shift to drink Starbucks after gym" was obviously because of you? You're oblivious to what I'm going through here every single day, every single goddamn waking minute. Fighting to forget you. Fighting to forget memories of you. Fighting to get rid of unwarranted feelings for you. It's a freaking battle with myself every single minute and I have to make crazy, insurmountable effort to fill up every single minute of my waking days with something just so I don't think about you. I'm tiring and busying myself out like crazy and it's taking a toll on me but I'm helpless. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to help myself anymore. =(

Do I give up trying so hard and just let time take it's course?
What if I never get past this? What if my feelings for you don't go away even one year down the road? How much time do I allocate for my healing? How much time is enough? How do people continue being friends when their hearts hurt all the time seeing the other person? Ah God, make this easy for me please. It's slowly getting unbearable for me.

And you had to send me a picture of yourself, smiling so widely, so happily, so you, B.
Again I was engulfed in a wave of both happiness and sadness.
Happy to see your face again, to see you smiling, to see you so happy.
But at the same time sad that I'm not the one taking that picture of you, that I'm not the one next to you, that I'll never ever get to have that. That I will never get to do life with you. Urgh, why is it so hard for me?
Pleaseeee move on Hanani.
Please forget him.
Please?

It's not like he really cares about how you're doing anyways.
All he wants is the friendship.
Without the dirty, grueling process of you getting there.

9:14 PM