"Hanani how are you?"
How does that one liner text evoke both happiness and sadness at the same time?
Oh if you only knew how much I want to reply you, how much I want to hear from you back.

"I miss you.
How have you been B?"

Can I still tell you that I miss you when I know I'm not supposed to anymore?
Should I tell you anyways even when I know I can never expect the same reply from you anymore?
Will I have the courage to reply you soon?
Will it be easier for me to reply you anytime soon?
Will it hurt less to hear from you back when I do?

I'm sorry I'm not replying you at all when you requested so many times that I do, even if it was just to tell you that I don't feel like replying. But if I tell you that will you stop texting me and asking altogether? Will I no longer hear from you? And when I don't hear from you for so long, I fear for when my heart hardens and it refuses to approach you first. Will everything end just like that then? Will you let me go, even as a friend, thinking I've done the same?

Truth is I've never once let you go.
And I don't wish to let you go.
But it hurts too much now, even as friends.

Remember when you said "It was the right person at the wrong timing" for you and I said "It was the right person at the right timing" for me and how unfortunately it didn't match with you?

Well I keep thinking about it now, if my heart wasn't open to someone else back then when we started being close, would things have been different now? But ironically it was because I liked another person that we even got closer in the first place. Or would our souls still have found their ways to each other even if that never happened?

Not all soulmates end up with each other as partners for life.
Soulmates exist in friends too.
I told you that.
So why can't I believe my own words?
Is it because we've gone beyond friends and that's why it's almost impossible for me to go back to being friends?
Is it because I've felt what it was like having you romantically that it's now so hard to give that up?
It hurts that I can't do life with you.
But if that is our fate then I should learn to live with that right?