Today I went at least 10 steps backwards.
From moving on from you.
I was convinced I would only be progressing after telling you I wanted to stop being friends yesterday.
But today,
The whole day today,
You never once escaped from my thoughts.
I kept having flashes of you looking down on me when you were on top,
The way you go "Hmmmm?" whenever I said something when you were distracted,
Those boyish smiles of yours I've always had a soft spot for,
The way your pitch goes up when you were talking about something excitedly,
The way you like to explain and share things with me,
And those long, long walks we had.

Like this - at Punggol, after your IS.
How has this been 5 months ago already?
I really miss these.
The times when it was just you and me enjoying each other's company.
Untainted from any negative emotions.
Freed from any bad memories.

I'm beginning to dread IS now, for the time and space it allows for my mind to wander to you. It was pure torture and pure bliss, thinking about you like that.
It made me miss the good times we had all the more.
It really is such a waste to let all those go, isn't it?
It really wasn't easy for me to decide to let you go.
It doesn't get easier either.
And I hope you know it's not because I don't think you're not a good reason enough to stay.
But it's because I'm not strong enough to continue fighting.
I hope you know it's just because I'm too tired feeling so much pain now.

And it's not like you're showing that you want to stay.
Or really want me to stay.
I don't want to fight alone.
I don't want to be wanting this alone.
It's enough that I'm going through this heartbreak alone.

Can you see why I need to get away?
Can you see how toxic I am now?