"Walls tell you it won't hurt as much. They might tell you, it would be easier to keep things from a distance. But they won't tell you that distance kept long and far enough hurts you more. They won't tell you, that some things and some people are worth the hurt from the bad place to the better place. They won't tell you, that some things are messy at first. That some roads are meant to be long. They won't tell you, that sometimes pain isn't just pain. Because growth sometimes means fighting a little harder than you do. Or walking a little further than you should. When I think about walls, I think about how far it keeps me away. Because the most difficult thing in the world isn't getting hurt. It's forgetting what home feels like."

And I think this aptly describes why I was pushed to text you yesterday night. I was doing so well, or so I thought, keeping away from you, keeping my distance from you but it was causing me an emotional turmoil. A turmoil which I thought would subside over time but only got bigger and worser instead. Right after texting you this turmoil magically disappeared. But I'm still unsure if I'm doing what's best for me in the long run. What if I'm unknowingly only making things worse for my recovery? What if I unknowingly dragged myself back to the starting point? Then all those pain and agony I went through for the past few days would have been for naught. It's so unfair. That I'm stuck here alone in this emotional quandary. That I'm fighting a lonely, hard battle all by myself. While you're unaffected in the slightest bit. While it doesn't matter to you in any way.